Conversations with Lawns

Conversations with lawns:

Homeowner: Ooooh grass, I'm gonna treat you soooo good. I'm gonna mow you and edge you and...

Lawn: I'm crabby! I don't wanna grow nice.

Homeowner: Er, okay...there's this...feed and seed thing they say will make you happy. Let's try thi...

Lawn: I'm not getting enough suuuuuuuuun!

Homeowner: Okay then, let's just trim back some of these trees and shrubs to make sure you get enough light and...

Lawn: I'm too hot! And I'm thirrrrrrrrrstyyyyyy!

Homeowner: Okay, well let's try a regular watering schedule. Wow, that's...a lot of water. But okay, we'll get you soaked nice and deeply so you're never thirsty...

Lawn: I wanna grow over HERE, too.

Homeowner: Well, that's the garden bed. I made that nice barrier so you could stay here and...

Lawn: I WANNA GROW EVERYWHERE!

Homeowner: NO! That's the gravel pathway! What the hell?! That's hardpack clay and gravel. Like...NOTHING grows there. I don't water that, there's no soil, no fertilizer, NOTHING. WHY would you grow there?!

Lawn: ...except where you want me to grow. *patchily starts to die*

Homeowner: *side eye*

Lawn: YAY! PATHWAYS!

Homeowner: I give up. I'm taking you out. No more lawn. You're too expensive, you're too greedy.
*tears up lawn*
*replaces with xeriscaping*

Lawn: YAY XERISCAPING! *grows happily in and around groundcover*